Evangelicals: Jesus Saves from Global Worming

lamp_and_BibleNASHVILLE, Tennessee–Evangelicals gathered this week for an Are the Gospels Green? conference roundly dismissed fears about giant worm attacks and Global Worming.

“What most people forget,” said Jim Thrip, pastor of the New Hope Church in Little Rock, “is that Jesus is going to come back soon, and all of these problems will be irrelevant. We’re here to save souls, not the planet.”

Giant Worms causing Sea Level Rise

manhattanPRINCETON, New Jersey–While global warming advocates are worried about warming sea temperatures and melting arctic ice raising sea levels, researchers at the Institute for Advanced Study at Princeton are more concerned about an even greater source of sea level rise–giant worms.

“There are two ways that giant worms can raise sea levels,” says Juan Maldonado, a senior researcher at the center. “First of all, the weight of the giant worms can push the land down, making it sink into the ocean. In addition, all of the worms in the ocean can displace the seawater, causing the sea levels to rise. Just like when you get in the bathtub, your body displaces the water and makes the water level go up. The same thing may be happening in the oceans as it fills up with more and more giant worms.”

Giant Worm Attack in Bible

Campbell-Jonah-and-the-whale-147Long overlooked, the ancient Hebrew Old Testament may hold one of the earliest records of attack by a giant worm. When Jonah finally got out of the big fish, he still didn’t want to preach. God made a giant gourd to grow so that Jonah could get some shade. Then the next morning:

But God prepared a worm when the morning rose the next day, and it smote the gourd that it withered (Jonah 4:7).

It must have been a giant worm to destroy such a big gourd. And who’s to say that the “big fish” wasn’t actually some kind of giant aquatic worm? Is this the earliest recorded giant worm attack?

Sunspots on the Decline: Link to Climate Change and Worm Attacks?

Sunspots are on the decline, and while some see this as linked to global climate change, what the mainstream media isn’t telling us is how this may be leading to more giant worm attacks. Some researchers now suspect that a decrease in sunspots may lead to an increase in worm attacks. “We’re not quite sure what is going on yet, but there does seem to be a correlation between fewer spots and more worms,” says Jorg Hugermans from the Global Worm Studies Institute.