SKAMANIA, Washington–Witnesses in a small town in southwestern Washington state observed a cryptozoological catastrophe last weekend when a giant worm attacked and devoured a whole family of bigfoot. “Unfortunately the ground was shaking and it all happened so fast that we didn’t have time to get out and turn on our camcorder,” said Chuck Hartwell, a local logger who was out camping with his family when they witnessed the attack.

JUNEAU, Alaska–In a series of photographs released today by the Alaska Department of Tourism, it was announced that Alaskan tour companies are now advertising worm-based adventure tourism packages to take advantage of the growing number of worm holes appearing each year in arctic glacier ice.

NASHVILLE, Tennessee–As reported earlier, Al Gore has been building a titanium-lined compound where he can remain safe from giant worms that are otherwise ravaging the planet. Now Al Gore has released a new photo showing himself inside his worm-proof lair. While he publicly has yet to acknowledge that giant worms are a greater threat than global warming, he has taken extraordinary measures to protect his own home from giant worms. As one neighbor commented, “he’s spent more money and time into protecting himself from giant worms than he has spent reducing his carbon footprint.” As Deep Throat famously quipped back in the 1970s, if you want to know what’s really going on out there, follow the money.

In a world threatened by devastating giant worm attacks, a pro-worm faction is creating “cute worm” propaganda to desensitize the public to this enormous danger. One of the latest of these pro-worm efforts is The Worm Dude, which tries to encourage people to adopt and take care of small worms in their homes. Until we wake up to the true danger of giant worms, and the dangerous propaganda of those who want us to be soft on worms, our very continuance as a species remains in jeopardy.

COPENHAGEN, Denmark–According to an advance team from the U.S. tasked with preparing talking points for the upcoming COP15 United Nations Climate Change Conference, giant worms are undermining the foundations of the global warming talks.

HOLLYWOOD, California–Steven Spielberg has announced that he intends to remake the 2006 film How to Eat Fried Worms as a futuristic action-drama. Set in the year 2120 in a giant worm ravaged San Fernando Valley of California, a group of elementary school students decide to take back their town by harvesting and eating the baby worms.

NASHVILLE, Tennessee–Al Gore, discredited prophet of climate change doom, is now reportedly “flustered” by the threat posed by giant worm attacks.

BALI, Indonesia–Citing growing fears about giant worm attacks, including recent incidents of worms devouring suburbs and tourist hotels, Indonesian officials have decided to spray several islands with high concentrations of the dog deworming medicine panacur.